How to Win Friends & Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, Fundamental Techniques, Principle 1

“I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold.  I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”

Dale Carnegie agrees with John Wanamaker’s assessment by saying, “ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.”  That is probably more true than I’d like to admit.  However, there are plenty of things that I feel guilty for or beat myself up about.  I can’t speak for everyone, nor would I want to.  But it certainly seems true that people prefer to blame everyone but themselves.

“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.  Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”

That right there is the key to the whole lesson.  Chances are that the behavior you’re condemning will not change, and the other person will condemn you in return.  Try to see things from the other person’s perspective.  Instead of resentment, let’s try for kindness, compassion, and tolerance.  Like mother always said, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

I think there’s a place for constructive criticism, but it has to be delivered correctly.  Complimenting people on what they do correctly is also powerful.  I think these concepts are discussed later in the book, and I’d rather not get ahead of myself.

This chapter is filled with quotes and stories that I would love to include, but I will end on this one: “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.” -Confucius

Self examination. It’s something for everyone. It’s the first step toward becoming a better person, or at least it will bring you closer to becoming the person you want to be.

Someone very close to me is able to talk to anyone, regardless of age, religion, sex, orientation, or social status. While I find myself easy to talk to, people are not as inclined to warm up to me as quickly as they do toward him. I believe I am “one of those people you have to get to know,” before that happens. There are several reasons for this – the largest and most encompassing being that I have a hard time disguising how I feel. If I am bored, not listening, or think you’re an idiot, you will probably know.

It is also important to keep in mind that I moved to a new area 4 months ago. I have started a job that involves a lot of contact with the public. With this position, it is important that I convey ideas clearly and with authority.

Sooooo………

What to do?

I went to one of my favorite places to be alone – the bookstore. I wandered around for an hour or two before I found myself in the ’Self Help’ section. For some strange reason, it’s next to the ‘Relationships’ and ‘Sex’ shelves. Personally, I think it’s a little embarrassing to be caught in this area, and it just happens to be next to the Cafe. Go figure. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular; I was just looking. And then I came across Dale Carnegie’s, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I picked it up out of curiosity and discovered it was an interesting and easy read. This book has been in print for over 70 years! The principles outlined in the book are basic tenets: develop an interest in other people, be genuine and honest, and treat others as you would like to be treated. Not rocket science, but they are still valuable rules that fall to the wayside.

Here’s what I want to do: As I go through the book, I will summarize the lessons the book outlines.  Maybe I will learn something about “the art of human relations.”  Maybe I won’t.  But it can’t hurt to try.

I found this one someone else’s blog, and I had to steal it.

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